Sebastian walked calmly into the hospital. As often happened, he hadn’t slept well and felt groggy. At the revolving door, a little girl came out holding a frog-shaped balloon. Sebastian mimicked the sound of a frog, and the girl actually laughed for a moment. The hospital was stylish, and the entrance felt more like a hotel lobby than a hospital reception area.
He didn’t have to wait long before being called in to see the specialist, after following the seemingly endless hallway marked “06.”
“Take a seat, Mr Diender. I see you already have coffee. Good.” The specialist wasted no time. “I’ll get straight to the point. The results weren’t favourable.”
Sebastian snapped out of his lethargy. He hadn’t expected this.
“What do you mean?”
The specialist gave him a piercing look.
“You need to prepare for the worst-case scenario.”
It was as though someone else were speaking those words, as if they weren’t about him.
“Are you saying I could die?”
The doctor now looked a bit uneasy and nodded a few times.
“But I don’t feel sick at all,” Sebastian blurted out. He was fully awake now. A dreadful feeling washed over him, as though all his energy had been drained. His throat tightened with fear.
“This is a huge shock,” he croaked.
“I understand, Mr Diender. I didn’t expect this either, especially considering your good health. The tumour is located behind your organs, which is why we missed it in earlier examinations. We’ll need to create a treatment plan now.”
“Does that even make sense?” Sebastian asked hesitantly.
“It will slow the process and help keep the pain manageable.” The doctor’s gaze was firm. “Surely you understand that?”
Sebastian looked at the doctor. There was something about the man he found off-putting. He felt an unexpected surge of rebellion. Where was this coming from? He stared straight into the doctor’s eyes.
“No, and I don’t want any treatments or tests. I don’t feel sick, and I just want to carry on with my life and see how it pans out.” He pushed his chair back. “I’ll call you when things really go downhill.”
The doctor gave him a grave look.
“I strongly advise against that. You could have seizures and lose consciousness. If the tumour grows too much, it could block blood vessels or make it hard to breathe.”
Sebastian stood up.
“I understand your position, but I want to do it my way. Thank you for your time.” He walked out, leaving the doctor stunned.
Out in the hallway, Sebastian noticed how agitated he was. He realised there must be more to it. He hurried to the cafeteria to order coffee. He also asked for a large slice of cake and sat down in a corner. He quickly ate the sickly sweet snack, but the anger didn’t pass. Deep inside, near his heart, there was a painful spot that seemed to vibrate and grow.
He began to breathe heavily and took a few quick gulps of coffee.
“Are you alright, sir?” asked the waitress who happened to walk by.
“Leave me alone,” Sebastian snapped at her.
The girl looked hurt and gave him a reproachful glance. He immediately regretted his words, realising he was carrying a heavy burden. His heart struggled under the weight. The pain grew at first but then gradually subsided. He took a few deep breaths and was able to relax a bit.
Sebastian realised his reaction to the waitress didn’t match who he was. He was usually very kind and always had a friendly word for everyone—or at least, that’s how he appeared on the surface. Something unexpected had slipped out, something that usually stayed well hidden.
He thought of his tumour, which had also managed to stay hidden. Was he unconsciously paying a high price for his kindness and accommodating nature? Sebastian tried to be honest with himself. He had nothing to lose anymore, right? He might soon be dead.
Was his kindness fake? Sometimes, he couldn’t stand his own friendliness toward others. He put himself aside to please others. Could that have caused the cancer?
“I shouldn’t think like that,” he told himself. “Genetic predisposition, diet, environment and pure chance also play big roles.”
Yet a seed had been planted.
Deep down, he knew he didn’t want treatments for his tumour. But he could use the time he had left for himself. Who was he, really? What was that painful spot in his chest trying to tell him? What would he want to change in his life? He honestly didn’t know.
An image flashed through his mind. He saw himself as a child, standing in front of his father.
“I don’t want to go to my room. I didn’t do anything wrong. You’re being unfair.”
He remembered the anger that appeared in his father’s eyes after those words. He still saw the swinging hand coming toward him and could almost feel the heat of the slap on his cheek. Only after apologising was he allowed back downstairs, but by then his favourite show, The Thunderbirds, had long since ended.
Unconsciously, he had placed his hand on his heart, feeling deep compassion for the little boy inside who had stood up against injustice.
His eyes began to sting, and oddly enough, he found it easier to breathe. In a moment of clarity, he realised that little boy had decided never to stand up to his father again. That boy had kept quiet. He had buried his anger at the injustice, just as he had buried his greatest treasures in a tin box in the garden. And just as he couldn’t find that tin box later, he had also forgotten that he had locked away a part of himself.
He pictured himself in the bedroom of his childhood home and could even feel the determination with which he had decided never to say what he thought or wanted again. But what a high price that little boy had paid for it—a price that Sebastian was still paying to this day.
Sebastian visualised the boy and looked at the charming child he used to be.
“From now on, we’re doing things differently, buddy. From now on, we’ll pick up the pieces together. You’re not alone anymore. I’m here now.”
Once again, his eyes filled with tears, and once again, he felt his breathing deepen.
He left the cafeteria and walked back down the long “06” hallway. The doctor happened to step out of his office and looked at Sebastian somewhat nervously.
“Is there something else, Mr Diender?”
Sebastian nodded.
“You and I are starting over. From now on, we’ll make decisions together. After all, it’s my life.”
They agreed to meet every two weeks, so the doctor could monitor his condition. Sebastian was prescribed a general medication with cancer-inhibiting properties that he could take each morning. Beyond that, he wanted nothing—no chemo, no radiation, no painful biopsies.
It was the first step of many. He went to a dietitian to discuss how he could eat more healthily. He wanted to stop numbing himself with unhealthy food and face himself head-on.
He took up salsa dancing again, something he had stopped years ago but always enjoyed. Sometimes he went for walks on the heath, where he would occasionally scream out loud. He also joined a boxing workshop, something he’d always wanted to try. Everything he had bottled up over the years, he let out on the big brown leather bag hanging from the ceiling.
In the following weeks, he saw a therapist, asking for help in reconnecting with the little boy deep inside him. This brought him closer to self-love, and he felt a profound compassion for himself.
On the therapist’s advice, he decided to seek cancer treatment at a renowned institute in Thailand. They used the latest medical techniques developed in space exploration. Everything was done digitally via computer, and the treatment involved a device that emitted personalised frequencies. Initially, this method had been developed for astronauts in the ISS.
The Zoom sessions with the therapist were intense, deeply insightful, and above all, effective. After each session, he felt a little better. He realised he had been living with a constant fatigue for years, which was now gradually lifting.
One night, after several sessions, Sebastian had a remarkable dream. He dreamt he was living in a village with charming little houses. Gradually, more and more houses turned orange or even red—the colours of danger. He decided he wanted to do something about it and was amazed to discover he could turn the houses green if he chose to. After a while, all the houses were green, the village flourished, and everyone felt good. He realised he had the power to decide how he wanted to feel. He knew he was on the right path.
A few weeks later, during his visit to the oncologist, he underwent another scan. When the doctor examined the results, he looked at Sebastian in surprise.
“I have to congratulate you, Mr Diender. The tumour is barely visible in the scans. What on earth happened?”
Sebastian gave him a kind smile.
“I think I’ve been lucky, doctor, but I’ve also had good help. And above all, I did what I should have done a long time ago.”
“What’s that?” the doctor asked.
“Live my own life, instead of living for the people around me.”
Hans Kwakman
21 July 2024
Sellingen
For those interested in purchasing Hans Kwakman’s book bundle of stories, please feel free to contact him directly at his email address: hanskwakman@icloud.com.